Whenever I was 16 and new to the world of blogging (back when it wasn't called "blogging" and you could have a red and black journal without looking emo) I wrote a jaunty series of entries called Music That Sucks in which I took some of the world's worst music composers (Green Day, Fall Out Boy, My Chemical Romance, Robbie Williams etc. etc.) and then insulted them relentlessly, burning a hole through the thesaurus entry for "shit". Now I'm 21, older and wiser and with a much expanded vocabulary, so if I tell you something is shit, it's shit. But anyway, I've seen a few films lately. Here is what I thought of them (don't worry, I've included star ratings for the slower-witted out there):

Forgetting Sarah Marshall

I carried out a survey before going to see Forgetting Sarah Marshall, asking 100 men what they would most like to see in a romantic comedy. Now, I know you won't believe this, but 95 of them said "Jason Segel's flaccid penis". So get the wallets out gents, because this film has plenty of penis to sate any and all desires. It used to be that seeing a man's naked ass (think Jack Nicholson in Something's Gotta Give) was enough to make a man recoil in his seat, popcorn bursting into the air. Now there's only one thing that makes us guys squirm in our seats- multiple, repeated cuts of Jason Segel's penis, swaying around like Foucault's Pendulum.

I don't like Jason Segel any more. He's funny, he's handsome, he probably earned more money from this film than I will in a lifetime, guys want to go for a beer with him and girls want to sleep with him. If only he had a small, dishevelled penis, everything would sort of self-right and the universe could carry on as normal. But he doesn't. Fuck you, Jason Segel! Fuck you and your total lack of inadequacy!

Before you think this film is all cock and no comedy, allow me to disappoint you. It's funny- not as funny as Superbad, but if I sat and listed all the films that weren't as funny as Superbad then I'd be here all fucking night. But it certainly has its moments of comedic brilliance. Russell Brand is surprisingly almost the highlight of the performance, playing a sex-crazed Cockney lothario that's banging the eponymous Sarah Marshall (Kristen Bell). I say 'playing', but it's hard to tell where Russell Brand stops and the acting begins, to be honest. Kristen Bell is also playing herself- a Hollywood bitch who no one in their right mind would go out with, let alone someone as cool as Jason Segel.

Forgetting Sarah Marshall is clever, well-paced and it's got Jonah Hill in it- three good enough reasons to check it out, I reckon. And in case you had forgotten, it's also got Jason Segel's penis in it. Spare me the "That's what she said" jokes, please.

4/5 flaccid penises

The Eye (2008 remake)

If anyone has seen the original version of The Eye, you'll know it's the kind of movie you should wear brown trousers when watching. I saw it when I was 15 and I don't think I ever recovered, really- even seeing the box for it gives me the shivers. Luckily, corporate America came to save the day with this witheringly inadequate and totally unnecessary remake of The Eye. Why do they keep churning this shit out? The Eye was first released in 2002. That's like commissioning a remake of Spiderman or Lord of the Rings. As far as I'm concerned, unless the main villain was in a rubber suit and suspended from black nylon string (Thunderbirds notably excepted) than step away from the fucking film.

You may remember Jessica Alba from such high-brow classics as Into the Blue and Good Luck Chuck. Then again if you don't, nobody is going to blame you, since they were crap movies for testosterone-addled morons. Nonetheless, she doesn't do a bad impression of a blind woman- not one that I would try at RNIB social functions, but certainly convincing enough. Unfortunately, once we stray from the region of not bumping into things and into actual plot exposition, things fall apart faster than a leper in a wind tunnel. This is partly because her lines are predicable and yawn-inducing, partly because the plot is absolute dross.

My favourite bit was when Jessica... sorry, i mean "Sidney" (voted most popular name for a horror movie heroine, 2002-2004) tries to explain to her therapist that she might be seeing visions from her donor's past through the phenomenon "cellular memory". I'm just really glad the writers hit the nail on the head- Jessica Alba is seeing hundreds of fucking ghosts flying around the city, and all I really wanted the whole time was a rational, scientific explanation. That's a relief. Obviously I don't need to tell you that cellular memory is a load of bollocks- that's what the quotation marks were for- but seriously, if you're going to try and explain that you're seeing ghosts, I'd get in touch with Scooby Doo before telling a consultant ophthalmologist. Or maybe that's just me.

The Eye is a nerve-shredding masterpiece, which doesn't need to rely on ridiculous special effects to get a good scare out of you. It even has characters you actually care about- a rarity in a horror film these days.

Oh, sorry! I was talking about the 2002 film there. The Eye (2008) is a load of ill-conceived rubbish, designed to extract maximum cash from unsuspecting punters while offering little in the way of substance and intelligence along the way. If you haven't worked out the ending of this film within the first 30 minutes, go back to the mountainside cave you've been spending the last 10 years.

1/5 transplanted eyes

Next time... It.

I'm keeping up with my Resolutions- today I wrote another review for the Student Newspaper on Mass Effect. Told you I'd write more later =P You can read it here. I also got Sonic 2 off Xbox Live Arcade and obtained half of the Achievement points in a couple of hours. I've still got teh skillz!1

Also featured in this entry: Friends-only content!

I just completed Mass Effect. It is awesome.


... may write more later.

I just took the Christmas tree down. It's a sad day for everyone.

( Post mortem )

I took the plunge and bought a year's worth of Paid Account for Livejournal, so now there's more pressure on me to keep it updated. Today's daft time wasting exercise comes courtesy of the lovely sapphire_bullet.

Follow the steps!

1. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random
The first article title on the page is the name of your band.

2. http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3
The last four words of the very last quote is the title of your album.

3. http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days/
The third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

4.Use your graphics program of choice to throw them together, and post the result as a comment in this post. Also, pass it along in your own journal because it's more amusing that way.

Here's my album cover:



Cryptic... I like it! Shedu sounds more like a death metal band than the Porcupine Tree-esque prog rock feel I was going for here, but still a pretty decent mix of randomness!